Around the Spectrum - When You’re Both Dysregulated: Parenting a Child on the Autism Spectrum (with Diana Toronto)

Welcome And Why This Table Matters

Wendy 0:00

Hi everyone. Welcome to around the spectrum where parents pros and those in between. Pull up the chair for honest conversations, grounded guidance, and real stories about raising and supporting autistic kids. I'm your host, Wendy Manganaro, as a parent marketing leader and longtime autism ally. I know how overwhelming and isolating this journey can feel. That's why we're here, because when we sit at the same table, we understand more and judge less. Let's get into today's episode. We're pulling up a chair with another parent today, Diana Toronto is walking this journey. Not with a perfect plan, but with lived experience and a whole lot of heart. You'll hear how they've navigated diagnosis services and in-between moments, no one prepares you for. Diana is a wife mama of two boys and a small business owner navigating the ups and downs of raising a level one autistic teen. After an initial diagnosis of ADHD at seven years old, her son was then also diagnosed with ASD at eight. Diana also has ADHD. So regulation is something they're figuring out together. She's here to share the honest day-to-day reality of this journey, what's helped, what's been hard and what she wishes more people understood. Welcome, Diana.

Diana Toronto 1:12

Thank you so much for having me, Wendy. It's fun to be here.

Wendy 1:15

I'm really excited that you're on. And we have that commonality., I found out my son's diagnosis much earlier than receiving my ADHD diagnosis. Because a lot of parents don't realize that they're regulating themselves at the same time as helping their children.

Diana Toronto 1:30

Absolutely.

Wendy 1:32

So I wanna get started with your story though, because I would love to know if you could share a little bit about. How you came to understand that your child needed their diagnosis and what parenting a level one child has looked like as they've grown. Because your son's a little older now, especially, moving into those teen years.

Level One Autism And Masking

Diana Toronto 1:51

Yeah absolutely. So we started out with a normal little boy and I mean normal in the kindest sense of the word, meaning he was hitting his milestones as a baby, as a toddler, learning to speak, learning to read all of the things right on schedule, the one challenge we were having was tantrums, meltdowns. They just never seemed to go away. So we kept waiting for him to grow out of something a little bit. My mom actually worked with autistic children and right before we got him diagnosed with ADHD, my mom said to me, have you ever considered that your son might be on the spectrum? And I hadn't really thought of that before. So we did go get his initial diagnosis of ADHD, but it just didn't seem to make a ton of difference. We did, choose to go the medication route and the therapy route, and the benefit of those things were that we did see an improvement in certain areas, of course, but we still. Had these very big emotionally misregulated moments and we could never predict them. Sometimes one thing would trigger it and then the next time that same thing happened, it wouldn't trigger it, so it was really hard to know. I got my ADHD diagnosis. So I realized that, oh, it's really hard to care for somebody who's dysregulated all the time when I'm realizing that I'm not regulated all the time. That's how our journey got started. My son is 13 now. He is brilliant. In, not necessarily the classroom. He's just an average student in the classroom, but he is brilliant at things like Lego building. He is so empathetic, he feels so deeply and when he applies himself and is willing to try, he is the greatest conversationalist. He just wants to know about your life. Besides his diagnosis and who he is as a person, parenting a level one kid has been pretty tricky. There are a lot of resources or children who, are different levels, but a level one child is somebody that. Is overlooked. Nobody knows how to handle him. We tried five or six different, ABA therapies and tried different people, different clinics and they would always quote, graduate him or when we were still seeing challenges at home and at school. The other challenge has been that he does, he's really great at masking. And so at school we would see less behaviors and then when the behaviors would appear at school, they would be huge and surprise everybody. So those are just, some of the things we've run into, but when we did get him finally evaluated by a neuropsychologist, it was liberating. Because they sat us down at the end of the six hour evaluation and they said, well we did two large tests. One of them indicates that yes, he's barely on the spectrum and one of them is literally. He could go one point either direction. And I was so grateful for that neuropsychologist because he asked my opinion and he said, depending on my diagnosis as his neuropsychologist, it could get you the support you need via insurance. Do you have a preference one way or the other, or do you feel one way or the other? Because I wanna take your opinion into consideration. And I'm getting a little choked up talking about it because I was so grateful that somebody cared about my opinion in the medical field because I'm the one that helps my kid each day. And this is when he is younger, right? This is eight years old. So he is really struggling at this point. So I was super grateful to be a part of that decision, not to give my child a label. But to get him the support that he really needed,

Wendy 6:51

I wanna thank you for that. You are bringing me down memory lane. My son is a little older. And I share about 20 years ago the diagnosis was not level one. We have gone through three diagnosis since then. It was P-D-D-N-O-S and then it was, high functioning and now it's level one. But through all of that. I had similar situations. My son, when he was a toddler, made up his own language. We just didn't know what that language was. And so the temper tantrums from that and unable to communicate with us and he didn't transition well. There was key things that I had missed. But what you were saying about when you have a level one child, it is tricky because friends and family look at him like he's just a boy or he's just a toddler, and then for my son too, he went to school, they were like, no services. He's fine. He's brilliant. He doesn't need this. And I'm like, but you don't understand when he gets home, he has held it together so well at school. Everything has changed as soon as he gets home and we see all of the behaviors. And every child is so different. So then there's level one, and then what is that child's needs compared to a different level one or a level two or a level three and so. It's really, and this is what I was hearing from you, is it's about, and I'm grateful the doctor did that with you too. I've had, when my son was older and, he turned 18 and decided he didn't wanna have autism anymore because he didn't like what that label did, and what others thought of him, but that label, and thankfully I had brought him, because he was having trouble in school and now he's doing great, in college. I brought him to somebody and they said, if you had all of these things, we are gonna keep that diagnosis so that you can get the stuff that you need in school. And I'm so glad that they listened and did that for him because that's the part that parents don't realize is hard, is that without that diagnosis, especially in the us, there is no services, there's nothing. But it's also about a parent advocating and knowing their child better than anybody else.

Diana Toronto 8:56

A hundred percent. And this was during COVID. So the fact that I had been able to. Get my kid to do this test at, eight years old, wear a mask for six hours. He's also a type one diabetic, so I wasn't able to just go drop him off. I had to sit in the office for six hours outside waiting for them to take the test. And, he has ADHD, so they had to pause all the time and go play a game to give him a break from the tests. He wore a mask, like a champion, but the fact that I was even able to get him in to a doctor during that time and that the diagnosis was given during that time and my insurance covered it, all the things had to come together perfectly. In order for that to happen COVID was crazy, as we well know, it was really hard to get into doctors, et cetera. So I just feel like, our path was led and guided so that we could get to that moment, and pass that moment. I was really grateful.

Diagnosis For Access To Services

Wendy 9:59

Yeah, and it does make a huge difference in everything else you do. You've touched on this, but I wanna talk about this too, because. Also with the level one children is that there's an expectations. At least I had this, I have a diagnosis now, I'm gonna get support, which is great. But sometimes as the kids grow older and the support changes or the needs change with their children growing. There, there's, expectations of what it should like, if it should increase, but the support actually ends up sometimes dropping off the more functioning a child looks, and you, again, as a parent, sees where they're not functioning and you trying to explain it to a provider when they're going, because then it doesn't match the insurance checks, it doesn't match the things the insurance request for. So how did it show up in your family where it's like this, you had maybe certain expectations of what they, and you talked about it a little bit with the ABA providers, but. Then what it actually looks like in reality and how do you continue to advocate for that support?

Diana Toronto 11:02

Yeah, so one of the things that I noticed with expectations increasing in support dropping was at school. Of course, my son gets good grades. Not, he's not brilliant, so he is not, off the charts, needs to be a level ahead in school, a grade ahead in school, nothing like that. He's just a totally average student. But at the time that we were going through this, from age eight to, so like until sixth grade, seventh grade, we were, I kept trying to get him an IEP. he's on a 5 0 4 plan for his diabetes, and I kept wanting an IEP because I could tell that I'd ask him how a test went and he'd have gotten a decent grade, but. He would've said things like, I just rushed through it. I wasn't interested, or It was too hard, or there were people talking in the classroom, or there was a girl looking at me the whole time and she wouldn't look away no matter how many times I asked her. And so it was just little things that I could tell where he needed, like a reasonable accommodation, they wouldn't give him one because his grades are fine. And they'd be like, well, we can write that into the 5 0 4 plan. We can give him this in the 5 0 4. And while I was very grateful for that, I kept feeling like, my kids got ADHD, he probably needs a special wiggly chair or something, or a rubber band on his chair to put his feet on and bounce he probably needs some sensory stimulation and a quiet room to take a test in. And all these just small accommodations, reasonable accommodations, that I could never give for him, even on the 5 0 4, and they would never give him an IEP because, so his support kept decreasing, because they'd say, well, he's old enough now that we don't see that as a problem. So I'd go into these meetings and ball with,'cause I didn't know that I could have, an, a support, somebody from, what's it called? Wendy? Like, an advocate. Is it an advocate?

Wendy 13:17

Yeah. There's parent advocates that can come into the IEP meetings with you. Yeah. And most people don't know that. And it makes all, didn't a difference in the world.

Diana Toronto 13:25

So I never brought in an advocate and so that was hard. And so we've just dealt with that. Another place where it's been really difficult is, like socially, right? Because there's an expectation among family and friends that he's 13. Is he ever gonna stop having a fight with my son? Your nephew, like his cousin. Who's, four years younger than him, is he ever gonna stop fighting with him? And I'm like, yeah, give him 10 years,, or whatever. And so even though the family knows his diagnosis and, I think there's this expectation of he's doing so good. And it's like, well, yeah, but this doesn't just disappear. It doesn't just. Go away. And of course there's different parenting styles amongst things like grandparents. Their expectation often is, just cheer up, try harder and they word it in different ways that never works with a kid who's not regulated. Or like a distraction change or quit doing that. Those things are not trauma informed and they do not support a child's regulation. And I don't blame them. I'm not saying they have to be perfect at raising my child or supporting my child. That's not their job. The hardest part of it has been lovingly encouraging, change in behavior with them as well. And other family members, and not seeing that change come about. And there's nothing wrong with that. That's the way they were raised. They're doing their best. I'm not offended, but it does cause escalations for my kid.

School Support Battles And Advocates

Wendy 15:16

I know a hundred percent, what you're saying there, because I've dealt with it so the public school system just would not do what I needed to have done for my Son. I share this often. I had a teacher look at me and because he was getting good grades, they were like, he doesn't need an IEP. But his grades had gone from a's to C's and I was like, what has happened? Well, they had put him in the back of the classroom because there was another child that needed more regulation in the front, and my son is just not somebody who could. My son also has ADHD and so you put him in the back of the classroom and that was it. crazy story of my husband at the time thought I was outta my mind, but my son actually went to a collegiate school, and they were like, you can't get any scholarships this year, so you have to pay the full amount. And I was like, I will figure out how to do that. And I did through my business at the time. But the reason why I say that is because I needed all of those. I was determined. I was determined to get him the things that, he needed because he needed to sit by the door. He needed several breaks a day. He needed to be able to have a fidget. He needed like those things so that he could actually do better. But it's really hard because I didn't know about parent advocates either. I just was like, the school was like, Nope, too bad. You're, it's a C average. Accept it. And I was like, no, that something doesn't seem right here. You don't go overnight from a's to C. So, I realized, and I was ostracized by my friends for. Then when I pulled him out of that, because all the kids were progressing and he didn't fit in anymore and brought him to cottage schools and homeschool and I think that's what happens with parents is we're not gonna fit the norm of what everybody's else's expectations are when it comes to our kids. And what we decide for our family is okay, but it's a really difficult conversation. Sometimes in a loving way, as you say, to have those with friends and family of, but this is the best way for him. So, for your child and not caring what others thinks is because it's human nature to care. But really not caring. We talked a little about internal struggles that don't get acknowledged, right? Because there are internal struggles that others don't say. But I'd love to know because you're, again, as a parent with ADHD yourself you've lived the experience of parenting while managing your own ADHD. When did you start to notice how your regulation and your child's regulations, affected each other?

Diana Toronto 17:41

So well, before I knew that I had ADHD, I remember him being a toddler and what would be perceived as a regular toddler tantrum would undo me, and I couldn't figure out why. I would just feel literally rage. My kid being upset about something, reasonable things for children to be upset about. Like mom said, no, I can't have more juice today. Of course they're gonna be sad. That's what they want. And you're saying no because you love them and you're trying to give them other options and they're freaking out then that all got way more complicated when he was diagnosed with type one diabetes when he was two and a half. So he'd asked for something he was used to getting in the very beginning, back then 10 years ago with the technology we had at the time. And the way they transitioned you from, not doing anything in regards to diabetes, to getting all your training, they started you off with shots and finger sticks. Instead of immediately allowing you to go on a pump and a continuous glucose monitor. And so when he would say, mommy, can I have some juice? Something he had said weeks before that I had said yes to. All of a sudden the answer was no. And or yes, but you have to have a poke. And he was awesome with the transition to being a diabetic guys. Like he was amazing. As you can imagine, being able to go from one thing to something very different was hard anyway, so the whole point of that was that his life changed drastically. He would ask for something that he used to get a yes to, sometimes all of a sudden it was no, he'd have a meltdown and all I could feel was just rage, just total anger, just so upset. And then as he got older. I noticed that was just getting worse and worse for me. And so when I was diagnosed and realized this, correlation between him being frustrated and how that would get me to not be regulated and what I needed to do every day to stay on top or feed my meter, feed my parking meter. So that I wasn't already grained and stressed and below where I needed to be. So, just in case he had a meltdown, that I could be ready for it. That was a really hard transition for me to realize, but it was also very liberating, number one, to get the diagnosis for myself because I finally understood, but it was really hard to be like, okay. Everything I do is for my kids, right? I'm a mom. I'm so involved with their day to day and been a stay at home mom for many years, or a working mom for many years. And so all of a sudden it was like I had to pause on how good of a parent I could be so that I could fill my cup, that was such a weird transition. We go from being as selfless as we possibly can and then I was being asked, by my therapist and my doctors and his doctors, how can we help you feel good? So in return you can help him feel good. So it was this selfless to what felt very selfish at the time movement. But it made all of the difference, because when my cup is filled, for the most part, I can handle it., I can keep my cool, but, not always. The problem has been as he's grown, my son has learned how to needle me or like how to trigger me a little bit. He's smart and he's like, well, if I'm in pain, I want you to be in pain. He doesn't consciously think that, of course he's not mean, but that's how he feels. His emotion is so big, feels like I gotta share this. And that's the only way he knows how to share it. So that's been the trickiest part is like, how can I fill my cup enough, especially through the day as like I wear down. But how can I fill my cup enough so that I am ready and locked in when he's not feeling his best?

Family Expectations And Social Stress

Wendy 22:16

That's amazing. I had a therapist once tell me, I'll never forget my son. He is, and I say this in the most loving way to this day, the child is like a master. He's very smart, but he's a master manipulator, so he always makes to when in argument and there's no telling him anything. And it would be very frustrating. And I didn't know I had an ADHD diagnosis until a couple of years ago, but I'd be like, you don't understand. He's so logical. I just give up. I can't, I do not have the mental capacity. She was like, you still have to be the parent. And I'd be like, oh my goodness. Because he would just, logics himself out. And I have to say, I hear you. It's still not happening, but it can be exhausting. The other thing that I realized though, and I don't know, if you realize this, I really wanted to be this fairytale parent when I had my son. And it's going to be a free for all. And because again, I didn't know, I was this free spirit and who needs schedules and regulation we're gonna go to the park, we're gonna do all this fun stuff. And then my son who couldn't transition literally from one place to another. And suddenly I'm doing timers and I am doing picture schedules'cause he can't communicate at the time and I'm doing all of this stuff and what I did not realize, which is really funny. because recently I've learned how to use timers for my own ADHD transitioning oh my gosh, if I would've just done this years ago with my son. I had no idea. But that was going to end up helping me. And I didn't realize at the time it was helping me because I had to stay on a schedule because of my son. Like I, I had no other choice but to plan everything. My husband's like, you were such a free spirit. What happened? And I'm like. Information happened, information is what happened, so I think that's a key thing is like as we learn and grow with our children, is like, what does work for us too as a family? And maybe, it's this collaboration between parents and the child and being able to do some of the things they do because it ends up helping everybody a little bit.

Diana Toronto 24:20

What's funny is looking back prior to my diagnosis when my son was born. I realized I got him and myself on a very strict schedule for naps and feedings, partially because that's what was in vogue at the time or parenting, and because I didn't know it, but it was helping me. It was helping me stay regulated when I was low on sleep. Low on capacity from having a newborn, and so what's funny is I maintained his schedule pretty tight, even through having my next kid, because that's how I functioned. I had to have my kids on a schedule. And so we probably didn't see as many behaviors as we could have because he was already. Very scheduled for my mental health. So I wonder sometimes if that's why we didn't quite pick up on things at a younger age is just because we were very scheduled already, and it may have been exactly what his little body and brain needed.

Wendy 25:34

Yeah, as somebody who did not know. I tell this story, my husband worked out time. And I went to a store just to get some pull-ups after work with my son. And I knew better but I have to go in and it was the tantrum of tantrums because the schedule changed. And I say that because I didn't know at the time what was happening to him and why it was such a big deal, but I had all of that guilt. Like I cannot bring my child out. I can. As long as he knows five days in advance at the time, the date, the weather schedule, like that's right. But because he just had to have that knowing and if he knew he was much better and then we had to do the, there's a possibility of change and so that's how we started to like establish that. So he'd be better with change, none of us when we started out with this journey probably know. We know what we know and we know what we've been raised with. That's the other thing.

Diana Toronto 26:30

And that's incredibly hard because the parenting that took place, my sweet parents, who I love and adore, they did their absolute best, but their parenting to me is that's how I started parenting my child. And that doesn't work for neurodivergent children. It just doesn't, and of course I didn't know I was neurodivergent when they were raising me. But, so of course I've been to tons of therapy to figure myself out, and how to interact. And I don't blame my parents one bit. I adore them. They're wonderful people. And at the same time I learned that I had to. Change my parenting game, rise to a different level, not a better level, just different, in order to parent the way that my child needs. And that was a big, that was a learning curve, I would say for sure.

ADHD Co-Regulation And Filling Your Cup

Wendy 27:28

A hundred percent. I agree with that because obviously also the way I was raised I had a very strict family growing up. But again, I think that some of that was my ADHD and I was, off the charts for my poor parents. But I think that has a lot to do with it is like I just, their way. And I felt like I always had to shrink because I have a loud personality and I had to shrink it down and my son thankfully hasn't had to go through that. But I've also learned how to parent differently and what like discipline looks like. All of those things that we traditionally grew up with, that changes. And it's more of a, a talking and knowing when you can and giving them the space and all of that. I would love to know specifically, like what, as you've raised your son and found out about your diagnosis, and I know that you work, in a professional capacity, you have a business, you coach, there's a lot that you do. I'd love to know, how has it reshaped your sense of identity and capacity to manage, it's a lot to manage when you have family and career and all, it looks very different. So how has your sense of identity and capacity changed since you've had this?

Diana Toronto 28:40

So I think that used to go from avoiding certain social events completely. Because I didn't know if my kid could handle it to avoiding certain social events due to boundaries. So there's been this shift of our kid's never gonna be able to do that. It's not even gonna be fun, honey. You go, I'll stay home with the kids, or vice versa, or let's just not go at all. And instead it's changed too. Do I have the capacity to go do this fun thing? I'm an ambivert, so sometimes I'm an extrovert, sometimes I'm an introvert. Depending on the company I'm in. Is this an opportunity for me to go have fun or is this gonna be a drain on my battery? Do I have to bring my kids with me? If so, am I in a place where they're gonna be able to. Handle the social situation. So that's kinda one way, that we have changed or that I have changed. It's gone from a, there's no way we can handle this to a, let's think about our boundaries. What are our boundaries? So that's one thing. It's also reshaped kind of the work I'm willing to do. So, I've been a stay at home parent, thankfully all of my children's lives, but I've also been a work from home parent. There was a brief period where I worked outside the home part-time, and that was some of the hardest times that we've had with my son he's so social, so he really enjoyed being able to go hang out with people while I would leave for work, and until my husband got home and things like that. But even though he was social and having a fun time while he was at someone's home, coming home and going to bed with my husband instead of going to bed with mommy there, that was miserable. It was horrible. And so something that has also changed for us is I work from home exclusively now. I have become an entrepreneur, in order to allow myself to create my own hours. I wanna work when my kids are at school, and then I don't wanna work when they're home. And that serves a few purposes. Number one, it means I'm around for my kids. It means I'm available for my son to support him with homework and afterschool meltdowns that happen regularly because of masking all day. And it also gives me, freedom to go run them around to their afterschool programs and whatever. They're in basketball and soccer and music and all of the fun things. I don't want my kids to miss out just because they're neurodivergent, but it has shaped how I work, my presence where I'm at, I have to be able to clock out, when my kids get home from school, not only for my own ADHD for being exhausted at the end of, six hours of working. I'm tired, like kinda spent, with my capacity, but I have to leave enough capacity after that to handle my kiddo because I never know what kind of day he's had. I've found that we've really shaped our life all around, medical needs our kids and, boundaries. We've really had to shape our choices on where we send our kids to school, what kind of work I do, and we do it all for my son and for my other son. We do it for them so that they have a safe place to land each day and that's changed my identity. I mean if I had it my way we'd be traveling like crazy, but I'm not really sure how to travel with neurodivergent kids who are, one diabetic. It's too tricky. So if we had him my way, we'd be living a different life. But I am aware of what they need and that's okay.

Schedules That Help Kids And Parents

Wendy 33:07

I love hearing that. I had the similar path. I left a career when my son was three years old. He was diagnosed with RSV and just never got better until he was like 11. And it was constant fights with nebulizers. But because of that, they wanted to put him in medical daycare and it just didn't make sense. It was like, put him in medical daycare all day and then he'd sit in a high chair. I was like, that's not gonna work for this child. I just knew and we didn't have an ADHD diagnosis for him. Then we just had the autism and or the P-D-D-N-O-S and I was like, this isn't gonna work for him. And so I had come home with the basis of did it make sense? For me to not be with him and I was very fortunate that up until he was, going into college, I made the decision to work from home. I worked for out of the house for two years. It was wonderful. Worked from home again because even though he's in college and he's doing well, he likes the consistency of me being home and being able to help him with his stuff as he navigates this part of his life. I don't think any of it feels like a sacrifice to me. I feel like I've been able to really live and be there for him. I know that, not everybody has the same circumstances, but I feel like I've been very fortunate to go on the journey with him and really be present. I know that's not for every family, but I hear that where I felt like, okay, when he was home, I could be home I could take the day and do the school trips and all, all of the things. And, one thing that you said, which is I think is really important too, is that they're in all the, activities after school. The best thing I ever did was consistently socialize my child up to his capacity. But it was, Cub Scouts and boy Scouts and, all of those things. He did took Tae Kwon Do for years. All of those things that really helped him because it helped him be able to communicate better now. But it was a constant thing of socialization to be able to get him there and having the ability to do that, I think is really important for them. And for you because you develop relationships with those families which is really important. So I have two questions. For parents, early in this journey, especially those being told their child is high functioning level one, what do you wish someone had, told you sooner about this journey.

Redesigning Work Life Around Capacity

Diana Toronto 35:32

Yeah, this is gonna be a hard answer for certain people to hear, but it's true and it's real. You may not find a place that will help your child, meaning you may go to five different ABA clinics. Desperately searching for somebody who can support your level one child. You might try'em all out and you might not see any change in your child's abilities, behaviors, capacity, they're going to encourage you to go to a talk therapist. You're gonna search for a talk therapist who specifically helps children and teens with ADHD and autism, and you're gonna take'em and you're still gonna struggle. At least that has been my experience. And you may not find a place where you feel like your child is getting the mental, emotional, social. All of the kind of skills that they need to grow to quote fit in in the world today, you might find that those don't exist in your area. And if I had known that sooner, I would have said, screw it to all of the money on those treatments. I'm not advocating for you not to go get support for your child. I am saying go try it. But when you burn out, if it happens, do the inner work you need to do on yourself. So you have the capacity to help your child because you know them best. You know them better than any healthcare provider ever could. And if they're level one, what they really need is somebody to teach them skills, real life skills, coping skills, regulating skills, and they need to have it all done in a very trauma informed and super loving, patient, forgiving way. There's no amount of punishment and reward that is ever going to quote, fix your child. And we have to flip the script on that. So I know that was kind of a depressing answer, but that's what I wish somebody had told me is you might not find what you're looking for and that's okay.

Wendy 38:19

I love that answer though, because that's the truth. I think the other thing that's really important there is as you're saying that like at the end of the day, whatever decision you make as a parent is yours and it's okay.

Diana Toronto 38:30

100% agree. Yeah,

Wendy 38:33

it is so okay to be like, this is my child and this is the way I'm choosing because I don't need to prove to anybody else what my child needs when I'm with him on a daily basis.'Cause I felt like I was always on the defensive trying to prove to other people that this was best. it has turned out best for my child, but I when I could stop trying to prove that to people who weren't living in my home, it made all of the difference in the world. I have one final question and then we'll wrap this up, but you could sit across from a parent tonight who feels like they're failing because they're tired, they're dysregulated, and still showing up, what would you want to hear first?

What We Wish Parents Knew

Diana Toronto 39:15

I would say, you're gonna have good days and you're gonna have bad days, and the good days are gonna be really good. Your kid will do things will surprise the hell outta you. They will be more empathetic and loving than you could have ever expected in a moment where you would've expected them to lose it. They will surprise you by showing a crazy amount of love that you didn't know that they even felt or had the capacity for. They will be so kind and loving and smart and creative. Oh my gosh, is my son creative? The good days will be good, and it might not even be a day. It might be a moment. Might be a really good moment. And if you feel like you're failing, you gotta cling to those good moments and remember their wins because sometimes. Will feel like there's only losses. And that you're taking a half step forward and 10 steps back with your kid. Sometimes it feels like that, but do they feel safe? Do they feel loved? Are they surprising you sometimes with those beautiful moments, with yes, you're doing it, you're doing the work. They're turning out because of you. Not in spite of you, but because of you. That would be one thing. Clinging to their good moments. Don't forget them. Really celebrate those good moments. The other thought would be, you gotta take care of yourself. Patience runs out every day. There's only a certain amount of it, and we only regain it by taking care of ourselves. And I know that feels impossible some days. Like, oh, Diana, that's great advice. My kid has screamed for six hours. You want me to go take care myself? Like, ha ha, nice., But that truly is my best advice. The smallest things can bring us so much joy. And if you can have, a running tab in your brain of, I really like ice water, and that's the only thing I've got in my house right now, I'm gonna go chug a big glass of ice water while my kid is screaming in the other room. It can be as simple as that to fill your internal cup, or stepping outside in the cold air, fresh air, taking three deep breaths and coming back inside. Whatever you can do. To support your own wellbeing. I think that reflects back on your child's wellbeing 10 times over. When you're regulated, they're regulated. And if they're not, it helps them get reregulated to see you're calm.

Wendy 42:13

Thank you so much. This has been an awesome conversation. I so appreciate you, Diana.

Diana Toronto 42:19

Thank you so much for having me.

Wendy 42:20

Everybody else, thanks for spending time with us today at Around the Spectrum. If this show adds value to your world, leave a review and share it with others to join the conversation. Until next time, stay grounded, stay curious, and know you've got a seat at the table. Thank you everybody.